hiT tHe nAiL

The computer is hight on James Blunt’s ‘high.’ I want to write something tonight, just to make sure I haven’t grown wiser, both as a writer ( a semantic error here!) and as a narrator. From where to begin? I have been a reservoir for quite sometime now…and now the tank needs to be leaked. Hit the nail. Slowly, the words are leaking…tap…tap…tap.

Stir the settled pain; I want to rise again…
I have been to the ground since then
You won’t take it,
But I need to pay you back
The haunting memories that
I want to forget…

I call it poetry, not knowing what it is. It’s a hollow noise that comes out of an empty vessel, if it’s not poetry. Preserved like an antic- to be stolen…to be broken. Here I halt for a second. Errors everywhere. A game without any rules? Or a game only of rules? A quandary enough to amuse…’Life’ sums it all. I go mad, once again. The unspoken words, just like in between the lines of the poems, take a shape of an aging vibration…a mirror? The object in it looks like me. I go mad, once again. A book thick enough to choose a page, I call it a world within. A world conquered to live in…conquered to live with. I own. I owe too..somebody come and claim it, the memories I want to forget.

A bit of a prelude, now the real me, Confused.

Secretly the night’s growing younger…starts are popping out of nowhere, the yellow arrogant object smirks: the moon rules the sky. Except for some reckless drunken steps, trying their best to wiggle smartly, the street outside my gate is deserted. Night looks like night. Dark. Brooding…and silently slipping by under everyone’s nose. An ever winning challenge of nature: day after night. Something like, ‘stop it, if you can.’ I can’t. No one can. We are mere masters of our devices. Perplexed, I try to concentrate on something else. What can be more appealing than sharpening the stained brain? But soon I realize, after some five minutes, Su- Doku and other brain-teasing daily puzzles featured in numerous dailies are not designed keeping my mind in mind. The very thought of getting them right is so flattering, but again flattery has never gotten me anywhere. So I switch over to writing, just to feel disgraced once again. I wish I was a perfect writer and then I wouldn’t have to write semantic error to correct the mistake- that I am a ‘writer.’

I have groped enough, now I want to touch and know what I am touching beforehand. Spontaneity at times can be very problematic. And it is more so if you ponder for an hour to be spontaneous. With a vision so blurred the end seems so near, but once the smog disappears the trees look like green pasture- one can imagine the distance! I sit for one thing to write but I end up writing something out of the blue. And the excitement is so strong that I laugh to see if the tears come out ( as in crying)- or the opposite happens only while writing.

Written By Kamlesh

btw hey K, where are you? College kina na ako??? Bangalore ta gako hoina ni

Just Happy…

“Yo desh ma neta chainan, sab daka matra hun. Ani daka ko kura garne ta jhan Majadaka hun.” Shanti re? Shanti. Hamile kahile nai ashanti lyayeka thiyeun ra Shanti ko kura garne? Ashanti ta aba suru hundai cha. 13000 manche mare, tara tyo thorai bho re! Suneko ho, thorai bho re!”

Afu bachiyekai cha, arkako ke pir (We’re still alive why bother about the rest?) the boy on the last seat laughs.
The old man in white beard continues his talk. He isn’t talking to me; he isn’t talking to the man beside him. He is talking to the entire bus.

“Kura ta thikai ho, tara yo bus paryo.” The man sitting beside the speaker reminds the speaker. It doesn’t stop him. He continues..

take a read

Nothing really..too occupied to be writing anything but here is something by a friend of mine, do visit and Comment hahaha or else the gang of girls is surely gonna give u a tough time …this post is titled “Paradox of Love” hmm nice title isn’t it? Don’t just sneak in and sneak out i.e leave the blog leaving no imprints or comments hehehe.
Ok tada..gotta hurry once again..

Pokhara trip Guff ( On the road)

Dhungz was ill. Kept throwing up. I didn’t mind. Even took a picture of her doing that and later showed how red her ears looked when she threw up. So she slept for most part of the journey. I was busy attempting to take good pictures of the view outside from a moving bus. Kept fiddling with the goddamn cell phone (this term was devised by Kamlesh and I simply love to use it ) of mine. Some came out well too, like the Manakama gate. But unluckily can’t put it her because my cell phone’s got some goddamn problem. LOL

A good Read

GESTALT PRAYER by FRITE PERLS

I do my thing, and you do your thing,
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not mind in this world to live up to mine,
You are you and I am I;
If by chance we meet each other, it’s beautiful.
If not, it can’t be helped.

This picture was taken on the way to Pame. A place which is very famous for fish.And of course I am doing the modeling here. Forget my face, I could be a model too! hahah LOL (Pic by Sushil Dai)

BEYOND PERLS by WALTER TUBBS
If I just do my thing and you do yours,
We stand in danger of losing each other
And ourselves.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations;
But I am in this world to confirm you
As a unique human being

And to be confirmed by you.
We are fully ourselves only in relation to each other;
The I detached from a Thou
Disintegrates.

I do not find you by chance;
I find you by an active life
Of reaching out.

Rather that passively letting things happen to me,
I can act intentionally to make them happen.
I must being with myself, true;
But I must not end with myself:
The truth begins with two.

A day before the field trip we had a workshop in our HRM( Human Resource management) class. And these were two poems given to us. On reading the first one I thought wow, so true but no sooner he handed us the second one my reaction was “This is the Real thing”. Well the second poem was written in response to the first one 100 years later. Isn’t it interesting? Simply loved it because I believe in one thing : You get what you want. Nothing happens by chance. Life is but one shot you get to make the most out of it by wishing, and working to get what you truly want. It always holds true in my case.Begins with a thought, then moves on to action. But everything I have or every single person I know too are a part of that wish to know them. No chance here

I do not find you by chance;
I find you by an active life
Of reaching out.

Let’s take a Walk to remember…

Under a lovers’ sky
Gonna be with you
And noone’s gonna be around
If you think that you won’t fall
Well just wait until
Til the sun goes down
Underneath the starlight – starlight
There’s a magical feeling – so right
It’ll steal your heart tonight

“Can’t fight the moonlight”Leann Rimes

Romantic, isn’t it? The girl asked.

Absolutely her friend replied fiddling with a cell phone typing Its Really ROMANTIC here, miss you a lot.

The girl smiled at herself, and for a flicker of second a thought crossed her mind “Wish I had….”. But the sights were too enticing to delve into another of those nonsensical thoughts.

They stood at the steps of the hotel and the girl planned to walk the same path again. Hands in her jacket pockets the thought of the walk has her smiling once again. Often caught off guard doing that her friends think her acts are eccentric. She smiles at that too. A smile, her weapon to confuse people.

The walk begins. He materializes out of the blue. Catches her offguard by linking his arm with hers.

“Don’t,” she says institutively trying to rescue her hand. He’s stronger, she fails.

“You can’t do that, I don’t feel comfortable.”

“Why not?” he asks.

“Just don’t like it, uncomfortable, doesn’t that ring a bell dude??

“Come on, why so uncomfortable? You can trust me. I neither smoke nor drink. You know me.”

She wants to laugh her head off but she giggles remembering her “Sober” criteria.

“Doesn’t matter if you neither smoke nor drink. I am just not comfortable with such acts.” She continues.

“Then here’s your chance to feel comfortable. Try me, you need to get used to it. You won’t get any better opportunity for experimentation than this.”

“Why get used to it?

Just.

“Thanks for the tempting experimentation offer but how can you be giving me a chance when I don’t have any choice here? You’re not letting me go??”

“Ok. Point taken. I offer you the opportunity to let go of your uneasiness but you got the right to refuse. I agree he says letting go of her hand.

“Feels a lot better. Great actually.” She tells him.

Weird guy. That’s what she thinks of him. Or why would anyone in their right mind ever want to walk with her of all the people in the world.

Girls are easily swayed. This particular guy supposedly passes for the husband material as they put it. He is often adorned the attributes like sweet, caring, understanding, attentive listener, intellectual and cutely romantic making him the perfect guy. But she’s not them. She loves the idea of being the one that scares men. Loves the status really.Morever frankness is her criteria. A department where very few can beat her. So to hear something like “Experimentation for walking with a guy linking arms” same as a total surprise. A pleasant one really. But she doesn’t understand why the guy’s busy buying chocolates for her friend asking her to “patyaidinu” a large eyed beauty and walking with her talking of whacko experiments.

Men, not something she’ll ever understand. Not something she ever got a chance to understand. And she’s sure not to get any with this “Scare men Project” provoking them to limits or hobby of “Ragging Men” either.

“Why do you feel uncomfortable? He asks bringing her back to reality.
First time a guy ever asked such a question! She takes a mental note and smiles.

“Wanna know?” hmmm she takes her time.
“I live in denial. Everything that’s understood as natural by others seem animalistic to me…
“We are social animals” he pipes in.
“I know that. I just feel that we are meant for something better. There’s more to life, these are too futile and meaningless things to be involved in it…”
“You were a biology student, weren’t you?”
“Yup, no reminder required.”
“So, it’s all natural. You need to accept.”
“Maybe it is. But it’s not the time.”
“Meaning someday the time will come in your case too?”
“No…I don’t see any reason to answer that. From where I stand now “the time or someday” isn’t for me. Some things never change. I will always be in denial and feel better on my own. Always.
“No you won’t. You won’t be alone.”
“What the hell! How can you say that? I make the choice, don’t I?”
“You do. But you won’t be Alone. Tyo hunasakdaina. (That can’t happen) ….Will you ever change your sim? Don’t hai. Then we will still be in touch and that day you’ll remember me…no, I think we should be together. We should study together yaar.”
“You are nuts”. She answers with a laugh.

Me beside Fewa lake ( Pic by Sushil dai)

Conversations, she’s never had any normal talk with anyone. Normal people come to her and grow abnormal. Sometimes in solitude she attempts to unravel the mystery. Is it her eccentricity that gets transferred to people or it is abnormal territories she ventures into while with people? Normalancy is only in solitude. Perhaps she is a narcissist. Too preoccupied with herself to see the importance of people around her…perhaps she fears losing herself in the process of knowing people…perhaps she’s just different…

They walk in silence. It’s a beautiful night.
“Shall we sit on the sidewalk?” She asks.
Sure. He answers.
A friend passes by saying “So, you’re together. Let me take a picture.”
“Khatra nikal hai”(Take a nice pic) he suggests.
“Come closer” the photographer jokes.
“Can I?” he puts on a gentlemanly act making her laugh once again.
Funny she thinks to herself. I wonder why I didn’t create a scene before taking the picture. Perhaps I have grown up!!

“Don’t you want to walk with her rather, she is all alone.” She asks him indicating a girl at a distance. “I have a strong feeling that you’ll get married someday” She laughs.
“Ma ke bhanu. Hatkelala surya lai chekera chekinna (What can I say? You can’t block the sun with your hand).
“Your favorite lines, these days I gather.” she says.
“Whatever you say.”

“So, how’s life these days?” she makes an attempt to talk sense.
“Not good.’
“Why?”
“My intellectual growth has been nil since the last few months.”
“I am surprised.” she tells him. “How’s that?”
“Haven’t you noticed my silence in the class?”
“No, I always hear you asking questions.”
“I do but it’s not like before. And look at what I have become. I was someone who hardly knew the name of any girl in my class in the +2, barely looked at any, and never listened to Hindi songs as they depict the Indian influence on us. Look at me now; here I am dancing with girls?? Dancing!! I have gone astray from my goal…..”
“Nah. That’s the way it was supposed to be. You can’t keep clinging to your past, to who you were, or what you did. Everything changes with time. You are happy aren’t you? What with the Hindi songs? It’s a fact you can’t change. Your denying it won’t change it.”
“Still it could have made a difference.”
“Maybe.”
“You know there was a time I thought like you. Never get married, be on a mission of changing…..He talks of the things he dreamt of. “And then I know I would be pressurized to settle down someday..still I would find an excuse for this and that…
She remembers conversing with him in the morning. He’d said ” Know what..there was a time I thought this isn’t the time to be involved in love affairs and things like that. But I have found out that you can always find time for it if you want.”
“Someone as busy as you too!” she had asked.
“Yes.”
She had laughed on the alley. Hahahahaha

They walk, sometimes she laughs, other times he questions “Would you mind if I asked you…”
She answers and they move on.
“We think similar” he goes.
She roars with laughter.

“Are you bored with me?” he asks after sometime.
“No, I’m not.”She answers. “I have an entire lifetime to be on my own, whole life for solitary walks so I enjoy having a company by my side once in a while…
He cuts her short again by stressing “she won’t be alone”…tyo hundaina( that won’t happen)..
She is in no mood to debate that again. She’s busy smiling at herself…musing what is wrong with this guy??? Which one is more of a dangerous affair: listening to a drunken man or a sober one??

Its her turn to talk now. She’s telling him something when a group of guys come and whisk him away.
“Will be back. Ekai chin hai ( just a few seconds)” she can hear him say but she doesn’t wait.

The music store’s playing:
“I have seen peace.
I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on my shoulder,
I’m a friend.”

Unbelievable timing, she thinks and lingers in front of the store. A beautiful night indeed. She heads towards her destination. Enters the room and throws herself on the bed. Too tired to think anything she soon falls asleep wondering “Who is it that I scare, Men?? or is it the men that scare me. Hope I do, but I’ll never know that until this “know not what to make of it” conversations with men come to an end…….”

Gonna take a miracle top save you this time
And your savior has just left town
Gonna need a miracle
cause your hearts doing time
And your conscience is calling you out
It aint all for nothing
Life aint written in the sand
I know the tide is coming
But its time we made a stand
With a miracle

“Miracle” Bon Jovi

Do it the Japanese way

No sooner did I land in Kathmandu (HEHEHE, never stepped on an aero plane though!) I got myself enrolled in some Ktm Japanese Language Institute. And my reply to the first person that questioned “Why Japanese?” was “T lai patyauna!” We were discussing whom among the guys and the girls are more Chalu (if you get what I mean) I was generalizing the traits of 27 year olds and accusing them of this and that. So he added, “ Keti haru pani kam ka hundainan” (Girls are no less than guys.) But if you have also fallen prey into my words mostly uttered without thinking then DON’T

Japanese, of all languages. Why not French? Why not Spanish? Hmm well we deal with Japanese that’s why. And also because I’m often mistaken to be one of them. Hahaha while on the trip I happened to ask the infamous question “Do I know you from Kathmandu?” to one of my friends with that Khaire accent and I was baptized “Jhare Jhure Khaire” ! She didn’t go unnamed either, hoina ta S.Jeeee. But mentioning that might result in some Ethnic war so better left alone

Nothing unusual to be called “Khaire” by a friend but was really surprised to be asked “ Taxi madam’ in Pokhara. Maybe they think everyone in Lakeside is a tourist. Nevertheless was surely glad to be confusing a Pokhareli hunk in the coffee house Dhungz and I frequented in the place. But the funniest part was the remark of a hotel boy (probably the hotel owner’s son). We were having our breakfast and I asked S jeee ( hehe hamilai Ji bhanne rog lageko cha) for the keys. She handed them saying “Here it is K…ji” and the boy goes “ Yeh, wahan chahin K.. Ho? Japanese?” (So she is K…Japanese?) I mean look at the psycho phuchhe. We have been practically living together with him for a couple of days and he tells me “Japanese?” There I am talking in Nepali, having dal-bhat, laughing all the Nepali way and what kind of remark is that??

Looks really fool don’t they? Years ago in a village I had a girl running after me requesting to give the map of my place (of course Japan) even when I was repeatedly stating I am a Nepali. Said her name was Grace and later I made a joke out of it saying her name must have been “Kripa’” but she translated it for me!!

And on the bus Dhungz asked me “ How come you look like a Mongolian? Tell me, any dark family secret involved?” Later I told her she didn’t resemble her mom and her answer is “ Maybe a dark family secret in my case too!”
Look at that. I think we girls have become real “Badmas” (naughty) presuming all nuisances. LOL

Getting back to the Japanese class from the Japanese looks it’s driving me crazy. I missed the first two classes so finding the alphabets so weird. Yesterday the Sensei (teacher) was making us practice “What’s your name?” in Japanese. And I made a perfect fool out of myself.
I had to say “ ..Namayeba Nan Deska?” but ended up saying “ ..Namayeba Kan (ear in Nepali) deska?” The class roared with laughter. I did too. And after that everyone was making the same mistake going “Kan deska”. Kati hasnu yaar. Am already foreseeing a big failure here. Kati smart hunu, ghari ta arulai chance duina LOL. But there’s no escaping. As soon as I introduced myself one of my classmates told me “ So you write in Kantipur. I have been reading your articles. When is the next one coming?”

Yi baje haru ke saro bato bhako hola, kasto thaha pako! Ani yo Kantipur le barbad nai garyo yaar. Fail haun bhane pani ijjat ko sawal cha! hehehehe

Blogging from Pokhara!

Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town
Like I’ve lost what I’ve found…

Was walking on the unaquainted streets of Pokhara some time ago, and just realized that somehow I always end up alone. Had planned a coffee date with friends Hysh, Jaz,Astha and Pradhymna, but well got the opportunity to escape for some time! Hahaha, I have a history of solitary walks in places I don’t know. But man, Pokhara isn’t anything close to what I expected it to be…I had a totally different picture of everything here.. Anyways I walked and landed up in a Chautari like place in front of Hotel Mount Everest and Resort. Sat under the tree observing the minimal traffic around, so unlike Kathmandu…and well, I mean felt as though had finally got some time for myself..the time for some soul searching and that song ringing in my head “Its a lonely lonely road I’m on this side of paradise”….right in front of me on the wall was “Hotel Silent Peak” written on the wall..then…I get a call from my fren’s boyfrien..hahaha she was supposed to be with me at all times…and took my time, listening to the ringtone..was feeling so weird you know. And times like these I realize exactly what “Majak cha Jindagi” means! Look at the irony!! whatever my frens( not her though) have found me now and a warm cup of coffee waits in a fine place.. so leaving n man the price of useing internet for 10 mins here is Rs 20. Real costly I mean..

anyways was funn bloggin zpt from pookhara…