I have been thinking of you amidst interruptions. What meets the eye interrupting thoughts of what doesn’t. I’ve quit thinking is what I would like to believe just the way people quit smoking. But like a chain smoker who has difficulties in his/her early days of ‘quitting’ something the body is so habituated to, ‘thoughts’ interrupt a rather uneventful routine of life. And you come to my mind like the sun peeping through the clouds…every now and then. Its continuous and its not. Maybe to say it’s a continuous interruption would be the best way to put it. I am searching for the right word here…I feel so out of touch with expressing myself these days and it sucks when I am unable to free my mind…Well, the thoughts don’t interrupt me, they are all floating in my head like hyacinths immersed in water…and every now and then I can spot some above water..Something similar. I don’t know why I thought of hyacinths here!
I have been trying to learn. From you, from life, from the deafening silences. What a cliché! It’s become an ordeal to express these days. Their words, their expressions, their emotions my head is a muddle of what was already been said, written. Cliché again! Stupidity, sheer stupidity gnawing my numb senses. Why don’t I learn? Maybe I don’t want to be taught! I want to put my hand in the fire and then realize it’s hot. I don’t want to be told the fire is hot. But aren’t you an enough of a lesson? Isn’t your life enough to reason? It’s like a black hole, I think I am liberated but I am not. I am drawn back to it.