A Day with a difference

60 days to go! My heart would be racing with joy unable to keep the pace of my life. The countdowns would always start early. You could say I would be Smitten by the Birthday Bug long before my time. And the day would finally arrive 🙂 Yahoo! My heart would beat with excitement. My Mind be full of incoherent thoughts… breakfast time.. A little bit of excitement, a tinge of nervousness all resulting into a beetroot red face of mine as Princi would put tika on my forehead and the dining halls boom with the “Birthday Song”, the chocolates and the Birthday Bumps. Well, Birthday Bumps are acts where thirteen gals pick up the Birthday Girl and throw her high up in the air and kick her. LOL. The thinner you were the easier, for the healthier ones would leave the rest puffing and panting though “You’re Fat” was never uttered. Action sure speaks louder than words. Those were the days when birthdays really mattered. And School, birthdays and nostalgia. Unlike Modernization, social change and Development can be used synonymously in my life! (Excuse my Exam hangover)

Then the midlife crisis in my Birthday saga when they turned into Days of Embarrassment. The Happy Birthday wishes would feel like a nightmare! The Birthday Bugs turned into Birthday Blues. I longed for the day to get over more than anything else for I just didn’t know what to feel as you were born today, what to say when friends wished “Happy Birthday”, why to thank them when I am not happy…It just felt like “Birthday? So what?” sort of affair. I wouldn’t even write my journal on the 15th of July!

But I had it all worked out this time. Agenda 21:Just Celebrate My Existence! Woke up at 12am sharp and wished myself a Happy Birthday!! Crazy? Kumud called me at around 5 to wish me the same in a sleepy tone. Dhungz smsed me a birthday cake! And though I have absolutely no record of visiting temples on my birthday I did it this time. Took a quick shower and headed for Pashupatinath.

The sight of beggars right in front of the One who is supposed to away with everyone’s sufferings, the Power of Faith and Poverty with a face, the fortunetellers and the fortune makers, Babajis and the nagging babies: temples are a world in itself. And being to such places on your own is the best part. For it is when silence prevails the stimulation of the mind begins. I took off my slippers, switched off my cell phone (it is a new rule, the guard or police makes sure you do it and if your cell has a camera as well you can’t take it inside).Threw a coin at the main gate of Pashupatinath while the policeman was warning me ” Shivaji ko tauko ma lagla”(It might strike Shiva’s head), peeped through a hole to look at the statue of a God I don’t know and dipped my leg in the waters of the Bagmati encouraged by seeing people wash their face with it!!

Then I followed people to go around the maze of Shiva Lingas. I was running my hand through all of them when all of a sudden it struck me “What is this?” Man, you are taking the symbol of Male Sex for God!! I withdrew my hand instantly and almost muttered”Ugh!” and the rest of the journey around the Lingas felt very very uncomfortable. Sorry Lord but being a student of Gender I can’t be practicing things that reinforce patriarchy. I want change, and I am not Alone!

The next stop was aryaghat. The realization of death on the day you were born is a strange feeling. People thronged to offer water on the ‘Brahmanal’, a stone glorified with faith on one side while a body that breathed, walked, laughed only sometime ago blazed in flames all alone. There it lay a cold lifeless integration of systems called body…. and it needs to be reduced to ashes that’s the sole objective. The man added firewood, more and more of it, poked it with a stick and sat down staring at the river smoking a cigarette. I sat there scribbling and observing the man, wondering how it felt to be burning dead bodies day in and out.

Buried, that’s the way I would like to be put to rest I thought. Green grass above me, and dark red roses and fragrant white ‘Indrakamal’ (I don’t know the English name) planted together…..But …Ashes, the thought of being reduced to a handful of ashes is equally tempting!! Everything burns, life does too. Death the only truth of life…I got up to leave appreciating life. That’s the best part of being this age. Childhood passes in a jiffy; teenage comes with its share of tribulations and leaves long before you have get a chance to realize what Sweet Sixteen was all about. But at twenty you see beyond what catches the eye, feel observe and appreciate. And it only gets better with age!!

I walked out smiling at myself when a Babaji stopped me to ask for some money to buy milk! I didn’t bother. “If you give me some money you’ll be blessed with a son” he said. Son! I wanted to scoff at him. I don’t plan on having any, the world is already overpopulated for any more births!

Later in the evening I went out again on a Date. A very Special One: A Date With Myself! The same place, a light brown setting, nice chairs, nice tables and the familiar face of the waiters. Things don’t change, its people that do. I sat in the same place and retraced my path back to the first time I was there and sipped my Cold Coffee. So much has changed since then… I mused and took my time on my money. Took out my journal and started writing, read the newspaper and went through the book. She called, sang the birthday song on the phone while I laughed.

Another one called, on your own? She asked.

“Yah” I replied.

“Come on, don’t feel shy. Tell me. Who are you with?”

“No one”. I said.

And she would just not believe me!!

Is it so hard to believe? If you don’t feel good being around yourself how can you expect others to do the same in your presence! There’s a saying in love which goes,” The gaps in your fingers were made for someone else’s to fill it up. “But I say no one’s fingers fill in the gap as perfectly as your other hand. So much for those lovey dovey stuffs!!

A ‘planned coffee date’ with yourself might sound weird but it is just like walking. Time for Self- Introspection…Time to do some soul searching…and time to move on…

I had a great time! Hope you did too.

Signature Smile



  1. so…..how was ur birthday ???? hope great……..and i m so sorry for the wrong SMS….so sorry…….and thank u for tellin that i wished best…….and by the way where did u go on a self date for coffee ???? may i know where is that?????

    exams are over and vacation starts…..have a great time…..enjoy …….and a news to u ….kali is comin to nepal this summer…….

    anyways take care

    Mr. Dyal Bau

  2. So I have been reading your blog for a bit, and felt that from one crazy single blogger to another, this was my time to comment!

    From one independant woman to another… there is no better birthday spent, than one enjoying your own company! And to be so in tune to know that at 21 is something that I, nearing 30 would have loved to have known then.

    So, you seem to be the queen of lyrics and words…. Your blog post reminded me of one of these…
    Patty Griffin, “Poor Man’s House”

    You know you’ve done enough when every bone is sore
    You know you’ve prayed enough when you don’t ask any more
    You know you’re coming to some kind of understanding
    When every dream you’ve dreamed has passed and you’re still standing

    So just remeber, your good time should matter to know one! And may you have many peaceful and drama free birthdays to follow! But also, heck your only 21 and a little fun every now and then, and you’re still young enough to get away with it!

    Happy Birthday from one crazy single sista to another!

  3. What a great idea of celebrating a special moment!

    Yes, you have every right to celebrate own special moments like your birthday in your own manner with somebody, whom you consider special, admire most,…..; if you think its yourself, there is no room for second thought – since, it’s nobody but yourself who knows you better than anybody else!

    Somewhere, I had read that life is like a book, time unfolds its pages one by one; everybody realize it, some manage to read it and only few can understand it. I think you are on the beginning of understanding it! (…it’s not a flatter!)

    Before I went thru your post, I had been come across the news of another birthday celebration: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/5182520.stm . Ke Bawah Duli Yang Maha Mulia Paduka Seri Baginda Sultan Haji Hassanal Bolkiah Al-Mu’izzaddin Waddaulah ibni Almarhum Sultan Omar Ali Saifuddi of Brunei celebrated his 60th birthday on 15th of July 2006. It’s not for flattering (I know, its not going to work on your case! ha ha); I am mentioning it here because it made me think again and again that how different the world is! …. how different the creatures of same kind, living in this world are! In one corner, a girl of her early twenties, realizing the realities of life prefers to celebrate her birthday quietly and only with herself; while an extravagant celebration of a rich and powerful king’s birthday was going on in another corner of the same world!

    If I would be capable of doing it; I would write an article titled: “15th of July: This Birthday and That Birthday”.

    Anyway, I liked your way of celebrating own birthday!

    Of course, I always wish happiness to my dear Blogger, but for this instant: (belated) Happy Birthday to You!

  4. Where do I start? From a Thank You session I guess. Thanks once again. Hahaha. “Outshine” it really felt good to read ur wish Deepakji. 🙂

    And Juggy whoever you are, thank you for reading my XCLUSIVE pieces. Hahaha. I was wondering if I know you.. the Nirvana thing.. I know a lot of N fans. Just a guess. Oohh and thanking the lord for a blogger like me was Overdose yaar! My language and vocabulary man, I need to do so much…Wow and the start not the end wish. Just made my Day! Arey mero ta mood nai change bhayo, feeling a all time low… Hope wonderful people like you help me get back to my Hasamukh Status.

    And Sajjan you sure are one guy I know that lives up to his name. That sure was the best wish ever, “Happier than Ever”. I think the wrong sms rocked!! Don’t be sorry, I learnt another lesson abt People In Love!! I wish I were 2! Haha it was Ozzing with Love and Concern. Lucky She!! A hi from my side to her hai…N Ya the Self-date place nothing hi-fi n all but cozy Rosemary Café. Good for first time Coffee Dates!! 😉

    Thank you Redde. I have sneaked in your blog a couple of times myself. I loved the Thamel entry, though didn’t comment.. maybe waiting for the right time myself hehehe. I think the poem is wonderful. N ya want to get a little naughty now and then, yet what can I say. My life suffers from Lack of Opportunities Syndrome. But sometimes I feel I have chances, just don’t take em fearing: What if I can’t get away with my follies! Hope you are getting it. But hope things get better as I grow older, and by the time I am 30,have a mind-blowing autobiography to write! Some love stories to tell, some heartaches to share, lonely walks, solitary dates… a lil bit of everything…

    Ah.. and Dear Anonymous.. why is that I feel I know you! Though I don’t know anyone going by thy Name. Especially because of this line of yours: “I know, its not going to work on your case! ha ha” I was like how come this guy knows I am a very ,very difficult, almost impossible person to please!! As if anyone wants to do that either, ah.. the harsh realities of Life! 😦 hahaha M Never flattered! And I have a very bad/good habit: I never believe in anything good said about me. 🙂
    I am waiting for “15th of July: This Birthday and That Birthday”!! And man, I was wondering if it was the Sultan’s name or his entire Clan!! I read it the article and wht can I say Buda le pura babbal garechan! Hope he had fun like me 😉
    And thanx for liking my style of celebration but hope no one has to resort to such a style: May you always be in company of someone who loves and admires you, someone who accepts you just as you are as they say Joy Shared is Doubled, Sadness Halved. For now I need to spice up my life a bit…watched it in TV some (www.froggle.com) for friendships, ppl with similar interests, relationships re (sorry couldn’t establish a link for Unknown reasons) …haven’t checked it though..Sounding Desperate? Who cares…Hey can’t go on Being a Member of Endangered Single Species Forever!!! Hahahaha 🙂 And this is what my Jikri dhungana will have to say to tis dialogue of mine ” Why do you always have to bluff?”

  5. :o)
    It felt great to know that my wish made ur day…aaba balla hisaab barabaar bho…:oP…(maybe this is “making my day” exchange programme..:o)
    anyways pun apart…To tell u the truth, writing for me is what really comes from inside the heart…I have myself tried writing sometimes, here and there…Jotted few lines when my heart overwhelms me!!!! And I enjoy reading those who I think really writes in same niche….and I found that in your blogs…Carefree and High flying!!!!
    Knowing me, I don’t think so…But reading ur blog, we know some(or one) common people!!! Sonam ‘Sathi’ If the one we both are talking abt, then I know him quite well… He is the man..so full of life…and a single soul rider indeed!!! But haven’t met him in a while…maybe coz I am far away!!!!
    And about the Nirvana thing…Yeah I love Kurt singing with his perplex voice and I like his lyrics too!!!…But that doesn’t relate to that Nirvana…Hope U got what u wanted to know…:D…Kunai din himalaya ma jaamla …:P…But these days, its like I am trying to find something else in my life…But I don’t know what…:os…It seems like..” Majaak chah jindagi..”…:oP

  6. Hey!! wish you a happy birthday!!! hehehe, so you felt uncofortable surrounded by “lord” Shiva……. Well, a symbol of male patriarchy, maybe. But do tell me is the place as filthy as it used to be or is it somewhat cleaner these days.

    Good that you got yourself to celebrate your birthday with. Mine came and went and this time I did not feel like even acknowledging it. As time goes by, every birthday reminds me that I’m nearing senility and death. Like milestones in a highway, instead of saying “Pokhara 12 KMS” it says something else. Oh well, one cannot change the rate of change of time, it stays constant at one second per second. But one good thing, I did not get drunk at this birthday though, and that was fine too. I just spent a quiet evening with my wife.

  7. Ooops Major error guys that was http://www.fropper.com. 🙂 and hope you got why my fren always says “Why do you bluff?” .its because I only talk of spicing up my life But never do it… especially if it means knowing people!
    Hmm Juggy whoever you are I am already takin u for a kool dude, know why? Its because you seem to understand exactly what it “Majak Cha Jindagi!” hahaha.. rt now malai pani himalya nai janebela aako jasto lagiracha yaar, trying to figure out this strange puzzle called Life! Yah, I think the same about writing too, let it connect to people so much so that they feel they’re talking to sb rather than a passive reader thing..still listening to what my sis tells me abt the art of writing unlike mine theory of “directly from the heart on the paper” style..I go insane about doing it all wrong..but there is one guy her professor has recommended her saying His writing is flawless.. the name is some Thomas Babbignton Macaulay…hmm kya jump mare maile from Majak to Macaulay! Nyways m sure Sonam Sathi is the same person, a single soul rider indeed. And I wish everyone was like him, it would be Heaven on earth for sure.
    N welcome back Mr Twaaks…Thank you! and man, the Shiva thing, sure so damn uncomfortable, and was worried if tht would result in me being cursed or whatever! The place is I don’t know how to put it… I mean our way or worshipping god with all the rice grains, flowers, color doesn’t really allow the temples to stay clean do they? I wish we took up the Indian temple style..giving things to the priests and leaving the place immaculate as ever, Bagmati is cleaner nevertheless. And Birthdays….haha senility and death …we’ll all die hai, or will we? Ma death ko barema sochda pura psycho hunchu. Anyways no matter wht Masti chahin garnuparcha, Just Feel Good, Stay Happy and Safe at the same time! I don’t know wht I am writing, was tht philosophical? Ugh…or preacher stuff. Whatever!
    Jindagi Majak bhayeni, Moj garaun Sathi ho! Kasari? I don’t know!!hahahah 🙂

  8. Don’t get puzzled Zade, I know nothing personal about you!
    I found you and your friends here operating pseudonymously beyond the reach (I mean unnecessary interference) of outsiders like me and it is working perfectly. It’s your own blogs, which is giving you away; after reading couple of your entries, anyone can figure out what sort of person you are!
    It was your Profile (Franz Kafka quoted) in your old site, which made me think that this girl has some Dum, she has something worthy to say, so why shouldn’t I follow her (not you, your blogs only)! Probably it is the best profile, I have found so far, of a somebody, who doesn’t like to remain in ‘anonymity’ but wants to maintain privacy. This profile of yours alone is enough for sneaking out the personality you bear; as they say “bujhne laai ishaara nai kaafi chha”!
    Why is that your old profile missing here now? ‘HowDe Keti Ko Kura’ is there, but I think it is ‘incomplete’, since I don’t think you are that much HowDe as its been projected there! and on your comment avobe!
    Trying to be on guard is probably the outcome of something called ‘survival instinct’, which is natural and not a bad thing; only the ‘degree’ of it matters. If it’s higher, it may not always be helpful; especially when something ‘spiritual’ is involved! It may sound an upadesh, but life is full of compromises!
    Anyway, Nothing personal!!!
    Happy Blogging!

  9. Kafka seems to have painted a pretty Good Pic of My personality..hahaha..but whose to say how much I resemble with that “pic” of mine! I haven’t gone through much of Kafka’s work to be honest but whtever little I have learnt of him, has been enuf to leave an impact.. Dum, kool I like tht song. if you have heard of it ..”Jaan me Dum” hehehe. N ya having a loyal (excuse the use of the term if its not the truth) blog following is a lot btr than having ppl follow me! Perhaps that’s an extension of myself I want ppl to follow…have kept the degree of ‘survival instinct’ pretty low when it comes to my writing unlike my identity I guess ..somekind of Known-Unknown Character..Hope tis not confusing! Yah and abt the “Howde” stuff..tat ever since I was born 😉 ppl have been tellin me i am serious, tough gal sort of thing…you know geek, intelligent( tht’s the last thing I will ever be) to such extent tht if I joke, ppl are like ” U talk such things too!!” Chasma launu nahune raicha man! So I thought I would potray the other side of me..which is damn zpt..and I seem to have Failed once again!! 🙂 No worries will keep a “more me” page n entry pani rakhnu paryo ni or else tis blog gonna have no visitors! Hmm and I won’t get to learn things like “Survival Instinct, Rate of change of time..” Thank guys..I feel so good to be learning sth new everytime I read such intellectually stimulating comments….Lucky me, sb up there surely loves me! 🙂

  10. hey zade….m complaining about this looks of this blog…hope u dont mind…..the colour combination is good but….i think it is not user friendly….ur blog should b the one that attracts other…..the text field is at the left side and which makes readin it a bit difficult ….it would have been great if it was at the centre….others are good ….hope u’ll maintain it….n sorry if u mind…but i know u wont….
    bye take care

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