Gone Psycho

‘Psycho’ may mean no more than pertaining to the soul but words which have it as their prefix are frightening because of their associations with violence and madness: psychopath, psychotic. The psycho pomp who takes the soul to the underworld is easily imagined as gray and lumbering, but not thin, not wraith like. The psycho pomp is fat.

-The Orisons

Reading Kafka over a cup of coffee. That would make for a mind-blowing date, wouldn’t it? Expecting a similar read. Hmm can’t say what you will make of the writing that will follow this statement. But be assured you won’t trace sanity in an Insane’s Writing!

I have been going through my early entries for sometime and the change in my writing is almost tangible to me! Earlier I wrote merely presuming someone or the other would be reading it, when none did. There was a wild freedom I experienced in pouring out everything on my mind, but with time readers increased and then every time I am writing the huge “I Don’t know who will be reading It” holds be back from doing it! The sense of responsibility towards the readers is sometimes so compromising that it is capable of turning your writing into a lifeless entity. Which makes me wonder why people only seek refined stuff, not something raw like Stream of Consciousness writings. Maybe because they need to exercise their minds to comprehend it like Devkota’s work. But I myself sought for more “Guru Prasad Mainali” than Devkota’s “ Nepal sano cha “ philosophical dialogues. So can I ask that when I don’t have a stance myself? Thoughts: once I start thinking I feel I have deliberately entered the Philosophical Matrix. Why Philosophy? Because once in a while I want to live up to the Tag I have! There is no end to thinking, one thought instigates ten others, I debate one idea with the other, seek logic, answers and there’s a tsunami in my mind. For now, I would better not visit those complex territories.

Getting back to writing someone once told me ‘your earlier writings seems like someone merely ranting, childish, an experienced girl just going insane about everything’ just like a Chepparo character had commented. It was months after the article was posted in UWB so I was somewhat let down learn about the kind of impression I gave. And when you don’t think you write well in the first case it doesn’t help either. Still as a photographer who always tries to see things in the best light it’s all right: Criticism is Good For Growth. And heck, there are so many people who don’t write in the first place afraid of the kind of response they’ll be receiving. Backing out before giving it a shot. So I fare better I guess. … (I’m just trying to Revamp, revitalize and Refresh Myself, You know that feel good stuff)

straight from the heart

Anyway today I want to let go of all inhibitions and Be Damn Myself, Write a Psycho Blog(half of which has already been done)….not thinking of some Macaulay, the use of too many “And”, the lack of vocabulary power in my writing (ok but that I can do if I wish to, ah tired of that inferiority complex) , its Winding Trait. Just nothing I don’t want to receive any suggestions too I guess. I mean I write bad then let it be, I want the self-growth in my writings, that self- realization of what could make it better. Just want to achieve it on my own.. Psycho Me. Whatever! I seek a gradual evolution not a sudden change just because someone said so though I am not getting it all. And in that process of evolving I have realized that if there is one thing you should never do in your blogs is talk about people! (Of course anyone other than you). A friend of mine stopped emailing me all of a sudden because my mention of his stuff angered him! He just revealed it to me some days back, months after the entry was posted in UWB! It made me go completely nuts. I mean one email and it could have been edited, what kind of person bottles up his emotions for so long? I thought we were good friends and expressed everything!
What a disheartening experience! He wanted me to accept my fault as he sees it. So here is a Big Sorry for You. (Hope u read this) I have a lot of explaining to do but I don’t explain things to STRANGERS! (You made me feel just that)
Conclusion: Blogging, sometimes you loose friends because you express.
No worries! I don’t make befriend people who aren’t expressive.

Even the Psycho Guff is turning into a write up! Hahah Yet I can’t end it all without figuring out the reason for going psycho! Why have I gone psycho? Where the fire, the zeal, the enthusiasm? Why am I not high planning something for International Youth Day Aug 12? Why so dormant?
These could be compelling reasons:
· My Jikri left for Tehrathum only to be back after Dashain.
· Demagogue (that’s my sister) has been beating cum pampering me all day long to treat her with Crunch.
· The other might be because someone joined me for coffee last Tuesday!!
· Or this may be the outcome of seeing too much of people’s Wives And Girlfriends!!!
. And of course my new topless neighbors who seem to experience the heat of Kathmandu like no one else. Man, t-shirt laune ta chance nai chaina! Which means jhyal bata bahira heri saknu Chaina!! 🙂 hahaha
Hmm but I see a silver lining! I think Work (My bf with whom I date on and off) just wanted to get back with me! Just Pray for me Guys. The relation will make up for a wonderful read to your eyes!! 🙂

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6 comments

  1. well, your “psycho” writings/guffs are a lot more interesting than more formalised writings…at least thats what i find anyway…sort of refreshing read…and i don’t see why you should worry about your growing readers not approving your style of wrtiting…those readers wouldn’t be growing if they didn’t like your way of writing in the first place 😛

    the truth is you express yourself very well…and long it may continue, and give readers like me pleasure of following fantastic home-grown blogs like yours :-)…ciao, m.

  2. haha 🙂 thank you Maheshji! I think I will stick to Being Psycho then! it feels so “out of the world” sort … I don’t know what .. to be reading such comments from someone like you I mean intellectaul..I feel I don’t know how one should hmm talk..respond …. Oh the psycho me! Forgive my Out of the Mind Current status 🙂

  3. Psycho….. A word with such negative contations; yet who hasn’t seen themselves in that mirror before? Anyone who would say otherwise is just blind to their own possible reflections!

    I think its great that you are taking the time to step back, write from the top of your head and straight from your heart. Who needs all of the over rated effects from too much thinking anyways? That is what drives one to psycho in the first place!

    He wanted me to accept my fault as he sees it. So here is a Big Sorry for You. (Hope u read this) I have a lot of explaining to do but I don’t explain things to STRANGERS! (You made me feel just that)
    Conclusion: Blogging, sometimes you loose friends because you express.
    No worries! I don’t make befriend people who aren’t expressive.

    That is just too good for words!!! Why should anyone accept someone elses ideas of fault. Don’t we have enough stuff going on in the head to even try put someone elses ideals in there too? So as for offering these “strangers” any sort of sorries, just offer them a cookie!

    As for losing friends just because they are too intimidated to see themselves in a different light, who needs those friends any way!!! The true friends will always be there, and they will always come clean when something is weighing on their minds! A long time ago I was given the advice to write what you know, and write it from the heart! Guess what, that means writing about who you know and what goes on in your life as well. Now I agree that you shouldn’t write about others in your blogs; but to that I only think in a malicious way. But writing about people in your life, that’s all it is….. your life, so write what you live!

    Keep it flowing! A little psycho does a girl good every now and then; give’s the world a new perspective!

  4. Hey! pshycopath keep rocking. You could be in the verge of insanity but dont stop blurting out whatever’s on your mind. In the end an extraordinary expression and a good read is all that matters. Dont stop the show….

  5. wow…..do u call this psycho???? i dont think u are psycho…if u call this psycho then i insist u remain psycho forever….and dont u care about what others will think and others do…..u can put whatever u like here…its your own blog….you have right in here….right for everything…..and those friends are friends fon namesake…..true freinds never do such things…..

    anyways keep blogging….

    you rock…

    and again i liked the new look of the page and the hand of yours and the small pic…..looking that pic i went to c my diary where u’ve drawn similar pic….and then i went back to ourlife in SOS …..sometimes remembering those days makes me feel good and bad as well…..i can never forget that incident whenever i ramember the SOSian life……anyways u take care….

    u might b enjoyin holidays ……mero ta exam chali ra chha…..it’ll b over on thursday and my free days will start….till then u keep bloggin and rocking….

    take care

    Mr. Dyal Bau

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