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And because people aren’t dolls that get lost, while you think they‘re being hidden somewhere to be found, your understanding of life is really flawed either due to ignorance or simply because you are incapable of comprehending it. I could be wrong, but I know: I am right.

I don’t go about the entire month waiting for the date. The emotion comes first and then I am reminded of the date. So what that I make you feel good, you don’t. As simple as that. Sorry, I don’t compromise, tolerate nor make any attempt to adjust as my kind, the women, are supposed to do in this part of the world. I have it my way, or I don’t have it at all.

Still, you weren’t the cause. Perhaps it was another person’s remark: “hurting yourself is good at times”. To start with why had I even signed into MSN? (I have never used it anyways). The names are all so familiar in the list, yet there isn’t an ounce of familiarity in them. Its like visiting a grave, and a ghost from the past comes up. The problem is the ghost only knows the past; the only thing they know is the ponytail, nothing more. I don’t want to dig up the past; I’m busy burying it most of the time. Hmm I think you can’t bury the past, it has to choose to go underground.

So, as the issue is raised and the emotional tide is high, I wish to say “Bye” the very instant. I don’t. Cause, the medium is virtual. The person can’t foresee the real life consequences. So it turns into an altogether screwed up conversation. WTF is S, for Lord’s sake? And perhaps, the news will spread to the entire globe, of my evolution from the ponytail to S-alike???? The past is better left untouched, better that they stay just as the other side of the class. You can’t merely look at people for almost a decade or five years at least and then converse after a lapse of another six years, can you? Better out of touch, better to remain as “museum specimens”, not to be tampered with.

But the damage was done, at least for the day. The images floated in my head, strange shapes, congested atmosphere . Ditto falling ill experiences. Confusion and a desperate longing to escape it all. Why should I? I bet, you would have moved ahead a damn long time ago. Your life would have raced if all the things that have happened now, would have been the same, if you were alive too. So why do I hit the bottom once in a while…. He is irritatingly flamboyant, he admits, but says the right things at times. Said,” you don’t have friends, either you choose to that or it’s your nature.” He’s right, I think I’ve only been deluding myself up until now. The fact being: the road has been solitary, sometimes I’ve chosen that way, other times that’s just the way things have turned out to be.

And I can’t go on being with people just cause they like it. Can I? It has to be a worthwhile for me too, isn’t it? So many things can’t be changed. There’s something called the fundamental element that makes people. If you are inherently individualist, which surfaces at times when you could be the biggest help of all, there is nothing I can do of it. You need to feel for people, you can’t be forced to do it. If you can’t be there when needed, then you better not be there at all.
Read it a day or two ago: “Nothing prevents happiness like the memory of happiness. ” -A. Gide

Am I giving you the weapon to fire at me? No, I am not. For it isn’t the memory of happiness, that brings the memories. I’m not comparing what I have now and what I have lost. I’m for that matter, going with the flow and sometimes I just wish share a bit of the pain, despite knowing it’s not in my nature to do so. I wonder how they do it. Send messages like “ m crying buckets. Stupid wanted this! May b it’s the heart that usu doesn’t go with the mind…” to a couple of friends!! Still, I am not uncomfortable on receiving the message either, rather I even reply to it, just being me…May she felt better, maybe not. Perhaps I don’t trust people enough to think they’d be of any help.

Is it wrong to want to talk sometimes? Hell, it isn’t. But there just ain’t any listeners. You know it, don’t you? I wouldn’t have blogged my brains out in a million years had I got someone to talk my heart out to FOR SURE. 🙂

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