Too successful for a mate?

I came across this article while checking my mails some time back. It’s a nice read. Excellent flow.Excellent reporting! The content however, may not hold true in our case if we are talking about the rise in number of single women, cause Most are married young in Nepal. Nevertheless, the essence holds true even in our context ( Why wouldn’t it??): men haven’t quite overcome their inability to see women as their equal-parts. “Gender” has become the buzz word, so everyone uses it. But few have understood the ‘gravity’ and ‘sensitivity’ of the issue which is vivid through actions like giving women tickets to contest as candidates for CA elections where they are most likely to loose to begin with.. Read स्वागत महिला नेतृहरूलाई by दोभान र्राई in The Kantipur ( April 04,2008) edition ( Sorry, couldn’t give the link). Or just read this :

Too successful for a mate?

Today’s talented, ambitious women are staying single in droves. Are they too busy, too picky or — horrors — too awesome?

By Kris Frieswick, MSN Money

The majority of my most successful, good-looking, educated, talented girlfriends are still single.

If they had Y chromosomes, they would have been married a decade ago. Instead, like successful single women all over the country, they trek into their mid- to late 30s on their own — experiencing fabulous professional success, buying real estate and making savvy investments for the future, without much going on in the relationship department.

Carolyn Kaufman, 33, has a doctorate in clinical psychology and teaches college in Columbus, Ohio. She is a perfect example of a woman who has everything except a date. “I have this crazy belief that I have the right to expect my potential partner to be at least as successful as I am, and to have as many things to offer as I do,” she says.

Good luck, Carolyn. With more women than men earning advanced degrees — 61% of master’s degrees conferred in 2007 will be to women — those kinds of men are going to become harder and harder to find. (They call it the pinnacle of success for a reason: The view is great, but pinnacles are by nature narrow, pointy places. There’s no room for a crowd.)

Then there’s the issue of time. Most highly successful people work crazy hours, which makes it even more difficult to meet a suitable match. Christine Mohr, director of marketing and community relations for the YMCA in Washington, D.C., is out nearly every night of the week at fund-raisers, benefits and business dinners. “The person I’m trying to find is just as busy as I am,” says Mohr, 29. “If we’re both that busy, when is the time when we’re going to meet?” She says the men she does meet at these events are usually married.

Of course, you have heard all these excuses before, from women both successful and not – I’m too busy, there are no good men left, they’re all married or gay, etc. But there’s another factor at work for women at the top of their game: They’re intimidating to men. No matter how enlightened most men claim they are, few are ready to pair up with a woman who is more successful, better paid and better educated — not to mention better traveled, more connected and more socially savvy than they are.

Even Kaufman’s dream of marrying her equal may be wishful thinking: Experts say that highly accomplished men tend to marry women who are lower on the professional and educational food chain than they are, traditionally choosing women over whom they can exert control.

“I’ve heard men say, ‘Why would a woman want me if she can do all that stuff herself?'” says Kaufman. “He was totally missing the point.”

Mohr says her ex-boyfriend confessed his feelings of inadequacy to her one night after a couple of beers: “He said, ‘I was just really intimidated by you and I didn’t know what to do.'”

It’s the dirty little secret of the battle for gender equality. It’s not that men still don’t believe women are equally capable, they just have a hard time visualizing their role in a relationship when the woman outranks them on all the measures they use to gauge their own success. It’s a little sad for the men, really. It also makes it very difficult for these power chicks to find a partner.

So what’s a girl to do? Review your expectations. (Hold on, I didn’t say lower them. I said review them.)

I abandoned the expectation of many “must-have” items in my years of dating before I met my husband. It’s not that I couldn’t find a man who possessed the right qualities, but it turned out they were irrelevant to a happy relationship. Was it crucial that my husband have a master’s degree? No. Would it be a deal- breaker if he didn’t love mountain biking as much as I do? No.

In the end, common values and goals, generosity, intelligence, respect, a warped sense of humor and a mutual attraction floated to the top of the list. Nearly everything else on that list was negotiable, including income and educational attainment.

“As you get older, you get more clear on what’s important to you,” says Dr. Debra Condren, a psychologist, career coach and author of “am-BITCH-ous” — which explores how and why women sabotage their own ambition, and why they should cut it out.

“I was very picky about men,” Condren continues. “I wondered if there was anyone out there who was going to value and appreciate me. (But there) are many men out there who want a smart, competent, ambitious woman as a partner and to share in making an income.”

He just might not be a CEO with a Ph.D. in astrophysics.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are more than 14 million unmarried women living alone — about 15.2% of the total households in the nation. That percentage climbs slightly each year. In fact, in 2005 for the first time ever, households run by singles outnumbered households headed by married couples.

Experts say that the divorce rate is one factor contributing to the trend. Another is a tendency among better educated, more secure women to postpone marriage.

For lots of these highly successful women, when given the choice between marriage and their current life, single wins, hands down.

Wendy Simmons — a 39-year-old Brooklynite, founder and president of PR firm Vendeloo, a former club owner and a current world traveler — loves being single. She was married for one year at age 25, but felt so trapped that she is having a hard time putting a positive spin on the idea of doing it again.

“The longer you go without marriage, the more complete you make your life, the more difficult the idea of a compromise in marriage becomes,” she says. “I may be ready to try again, but every day I feel more and more like a confirmed bachelor. I see so many people struggling in relationships that it scares me.”

Simmons rejects outright the notion of dumbing herself down to make herself more marketable to all those executives looking for a “wifey”.

“For a lot of guys, the simple girl is easier because the man’s role is clearer: They make the decisions,” she says. “It’s those things that I’m afraid of — a life of compromise every single day.”

Published April 2, 2008

So, what do we girls looking for a great career say to this? Firstly, congratulations Hayah and Shakti, lucky you , you’re single no more 🙂 And to the remaining lot, a life like Simmons doesn’t sound boring @all does it? Though I don’t quite agree with the general idea of “Marriage=Compromises”. How can you be together for so long, compromising yourself?!?

For now, as no one seems to hold a similar opinion, may be I’ll prove it someday,in case I am not TOO SUCCESSFUL FOR A MATE! 🙂 hehehe. And I just took this Quiz: Are you too picky about men? in the article and the result stated I am Realistic. Howzzat! ( The only problem while taking the quiz was I didn’t understand what a hedge fund or solid prenup was, nor ever thought of meeting a guy in Ivy League(not even in my wildest dream) and what does “La Traviata” at Met mean??) I guess, the principle of “One Size Fits All” fails here too. “One Quiz doesn’t Suit All!” 🙂

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7 comments

  1. good read…. i devoured it ! ‘for a lot of guys, the simple girl is easier’ – this couldn’t be more true. if the girl starts thinking for herself, he blames her for having a huge ego ! once she starts taking her own decisions, he decides to dump her for a fresher, younger, wide-eyed-with-admiration nymph who can’t stop gushing about how smart and caring he is ! god help that ‘nymp’ coz she’s in for a rude shock !

    now u know z why guys always want to be ur friend – dukkha pokhne bhando – and nothing more ? if u’re a bit aggressive about who’s gonna do the HH chores, u’re ‘intimidating’. one guy told me ‘”i’m ready to help with the chores. i’m not one of those who sits by while his wife breaks her back over dishes and clothes”

    what nerve ! the stupid thick mind of some men don’t seem to get it that the chores are as much theirs as they are ours. the dishes and clothes are as much theirs as they are ours. so they’re not ‘helping’ us, they’re just doing their share of work. if any guy repeats the stunt of ‘helping the woman because i’m a modern man’, i’m going to hit him hard on his head and walk out the room.

    but there’s a catch here, “…everything else on that list was negotiable, including income and educational attainment…” now how many women are ready to accept a man who’s less educated than herself and earns less than herself, though the latter one might not be that big a problem. this is where the stereotyped role of men n women comes in, the supposed roles of both genders that have been hammered deep into our minds since we were born. it makes me wonder whether i myself am completely gender neutral, completely unbiased.

    well, it’ll take some time to reach there but reach there we must.

  2. i watched a movie quite similar to the issue we’re talking abt, where there’s a black girl who’s made a partner of some bank and a white boy who’s a landscape architect (can u believe that? it’s my dream come true. a landscape arcitect would do if i can’t have the other ‘building’ architect) , and hence doesn’t earn that well. they have some racial issues as well but the overall theme’s similar. the male actor’s simon baker or sth. will let u know the name later. u should watch it. it’s like a modern day fairy tale.

  3. now how many women are ready to accept a man who’s less educated than herself and earns less than hersel

    This made me think..What do I want? I’ve always had this obsession of “educational degrees” still..trying to overcome that but it’s hard..but it isn’t the matter of degrees only, it is the basic understanding of the issues that matter to me that should make some sense to the other person too..but I can’t think of a relation with no undergrad degree, I mean teti ta padnai paryo ni! And not just to have a degree but passion for what is studied too..leaving that apart I agree that girls prefer a guy more educated and higher income than themselves..( I would always want to earn more!!) However this preference could be the manifestation of the fact that women tend to be more “mature” than men@ the same age… so as educational degrees are taken as the sign of intelligence by and large ..thereby the preference.

    Still the reason girls prefer men of higher educational attainment as most of my friends say is entirely on the desire to learn from the person, grow intellectually ..However the Male preference for a less qualified woman in both education and accomplishments looks like “Male Chauvinistic” attitude to me…the desire to have the upper hand in the relation…they feel threatened…women see things so differently hai, I feel we make for the more +ve minded lot of the human species so many times.

    Not that all men are the same too, however even the ones who say they are different , in my experience and this time not guys who “befriend” me and “seek” my company or “call” me only when drunk….( god! i HATE HATE HATE them..ma ta strictly juice+milk lai matra herchu..sanchiiiii..ghari ghari ta damn frustu feel huncha!) …I mean those who would like to see their partners the same level or even higher than them seem to have another problem…They seek a partner who could “do” whatever “she” wants but then be some kinda ‘secretary’ to them too.. as if HER dreams don’t exist! her preferences don’t matter…and it’s not like wanting her to be by his side ( tyo vaye ta hunthyo) but the exact secretary kind of thing..we travel and she makes my speeches blah blah blah kind …how can u have such stupid, ridiculous notions about the “partner” you seek….

    But again, if men seek a less qualified woman in whatever respect and a woman seeks a more qualified man and then they find another., where is the room to complain? Their life, their choice…Only makes it harder for a few of us! In a lot of cases, I feel it is the educated women who just get involved in a relationship or agree to marry, just coz “they will get married someday” who are too blame..And it’s easier for women , than a guy to get married because her “economy” isn’t cared for much. The poor guy has to supposedly have enough to “look after her” the problem comes in. If girls made it a point that Her Economic Independence mattered equally to that of a Man before marriage and the Guys also sought women who are economically independent too..somekinda women empowerment could be attained and a breakthrough in the traditional “gender” roles in our part of the world too…testaii lagcha….

    Afule kei nakamako vayeni keta ko gadi, ghar cha vandaima hamfalne ani independence khojne? How can you seek your voice when you have actually agreed to be “looked after” by someone else…I think a lot of us( women) are hypocritical in that sense…of course, the good thing is we can choose not to be in the gang. Ani Naya Nepal ka Naya Purush haru pani Mahila Success bata natarsine khalka hunchan ki? 😉

    n I’d watched the movie too ( only ending though). from the family dance function only… My sister was telling me it’s a must watch. but didn’t find the gore keto tat great looking despite halka lamo kapal! 🙂 I think a lot of ppl study architect enginnering these these, I mean even in Nepal…sud be invited to sum of their functions I guess! n i think our school friends, hopefully some engg will be there in the Marriage too.

  4. yea it’s ‘not a matter of degrees but a basic understanding of issues (that matter to us)’ and ‘passion’ for their work or studies. but then it again comes down to the ‘intelligence level’ that we seek in our partner, doesn’t it? if he’s intelligent, meaning he knows his work inside out and can blabber about in the most intelligent way in front of ur frens in the next get-together, u think u’r man’s great. he’s like the showdog for u, sth to flaunt in front of ur frens. right then, income or educational degree ( which is usually directly propotional to the income level) wouldn’t be of any problem.

    male preference for a less qualified female is definitely male chauvinistic. but claiming that female preference for a more qualified male is bcoz of her ‘desire to learn from the person, grow intellectually..’ is a bit confusing to me. shouldn’t the learning be both ways? shouldn’t my guy be learning about being ‘gender sensitive’ from me (n maybe even vice versa) n shouldn’t i be learning about, say, driving or computers, from him? it could be any stupid thing until and unless it’s a two way process.

    having said all this, i’d like to add that it;s easier said than done. we’re still in the process of being neutral when it comes to gender, hence my previous concern : will i be content with a man who’s less educated than me and goes, “timle kamayera khwaihalchau ni…i’ll concentrate on my music lessons to children coz it’s my Passion”.

    but it’s also true that it’s more challenging for men than women when it comes to meeting the economic standards, what with having to ‘build his own home’, ‘look after the wife and kids’, provide for their education and all. n it’s partly because of women who ‘advocate’ equity between genders in conference rooms while living comfortable lives with their husbands’ income and partly because of women like us who’re in the transition and hence so confused that we still hang on to a few threads of orthodox beliefs while desperately trying to break loose.

    aba malai ta dherai bho. m starting to not make sense. too much of writing has that effect on me. it’s like being drunk, u slowly n steadily dont make any sense at all. i’m outta here now. c ya at the marriage. n i’m looking forward to meetin our school frens 😉 . though i sincerely hope u won’t embarrass me n give away my secret with ur trademark antics of grinning and passing comments just when u shouldnt. please don’t get carried away. it’s not a request, it’s a warning !

    c ya.

  5. I certainly identified with the woman who said she expected potential partners to be at least as successful as she is, and to have as much to offer. That’s me all over. I’m not ready to compromise either, so as the article said I may have to just enjoy the lovely view from my pinnacle on my own! C’est la vie.

  6. Guess it depends on what you call success. If making a lot of money is your goal, then focus on your career and not anything else. She who dies with the most toys, wins. Yay.

    If your goal is to have a family, then working all of the time to make money is not the optimal choice.

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