I need a cigarette

I need a cigarette. Not just any cigarette but the kind which stays inside a box with a large picture of a pair of dark black lungs on it. I need a cigarette for my thoughts. You get me a Nimbooz. I am agitated or so I look. Perhaps something to drink would quell my thoughts. But I wish for a cigarette just like you. A cigarette that I can hold in between my fingers and bring to my lips, inhale something deep and release. There’s so much glamour attached to it. And this one time I am hoping there is more lighting a cigarette than glamour.

Half of my mind is unable to understand why you think I need something to drink, something chilled to cool me down. The other half doesn’t remember what just happened. It is unable to remember what went on in the past few minutes. It is just blank. Perhaps the emotions the events triggered caused a mental blackout.

A year is a long time. People produce small replicas of themselves in a year. Others travel to geographical extremes during that period.  A single year can change the course of your entire life. A phenomena repeated continuously during of a year can affect one’s psyche can’t it? So I need a cigarette for the psyched one year I have lived. A cigarette for the room which drove me crazy. A cigarette for all those trees that looked like spots where people hanged themselves. And a cigarette just to carry on.  I wish to light a cigarette and burn all those days in raging fire. I wish to see them lie in a heap of ashes in front of me.

Nothing exists anymore. Everything’s an empty vessel pretending to hold something that isn’t.  Humility was a good trait wasn’t it? Now it isn’t. They say bragging is a virtue. Everyone’s busy selling the hollow selves they are. I don’t understand if I am old school or if anything I ever believed in were ever true. I just know that I need a cigarette. I’ll put it in a corner of my mouth and inhale deeply and exhale a wisp of smoke. I wish the world around me would vanish in that thick smoke. And I think of you. Of how lucky you are to be there no more. To put up through this bullshit called life and all that it is supposed to do you. To see everything we believed in crumble right before your eyes. I merely envy you.

My own freedom is limited to a saying on the mirror. ‘Everyone’s cage door is open.’  – George Lucas It’s just another illusion I have created for myself. I buy the statement during good times. I buy that ‘a world of possibilities’ crap more than I should. But happiness is a poor judge of reality. What wouldn’t we do to believe in ‘life’?  Clarity comes in times like these. My own cage door is not open. I open one cage door and enter the other taking freedom to be that momentary stay outside of what I perceive to be a cage. The fact is all cages are contained in the larger one. There’s no freedom at all. Doors, cages everything exists to merely reinforce our blind faith in freedom.  I am so tired of forcing myself to believe in things that are not. Of trying to find things to indulge in so that I can just continue leading the life I am expected to. How far can one feign enjoyment in indulgences which hold no meaning at all?

So just get me a damn cigarette. Or the shiny, slim cases from which people drink alcohol in the movies.  A cigarette, that should do…maybe that’s what cigarettes do…restore your faith in humanity so that you can put yourself through a few hours of bullshit called life and animals supposedly ‘humans’ and then go for another to forget it all….

Advertisements

5 comments

  1. A bidi would suit your situation better, or for that matter marijuana. But life is too intoxicating to intoxicate it more, A cigarette among all things is also not real. But I understand the stress, so if you have time come over and we can puff on a bidi and then pop in chewing gums to take away the horrid taste later.

    P.S: You’re better off without a cigarette than I’m without you. 🙂

    1. im going through the same thing i feel that wish i cud smoke and inhale deeply and then release the puff of smoke…. dont worry… life is definitely a bullshit and there are people around to make it even more difficult… just vent in ur feelings like this so that at least people like me who have difficulty in expressing things can empathise and feel that ” I’m not alone n life is bullshit not only for me. Its a reality for everyone” n can move on…

      Listen to some music and get a deep sleep…. the past will seem just like a bad dream rather than a reality….

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s